For the second time in two months, my computer system has died. I’ve tried all the forms of digital CPR that I know, to no avail.

Last night, I fell asleep with visions of data recovery dancing in my head. I’d reformatted (ERASED!) my hard drive, zapping out years of data, and then launched Time Machine. It was humming away, an hour into a ten-hour restore, when I went to bed. I drifted off, imagining a day of catching back up, with all my files back in place, the data freeze just a blip.

I went into my office like a kid on Christmas morning, expectant. But Santa forgot to come. Or else I have been bad? Just coal in my stocking: I woke to a cold dead iMac. Is my Time Machine corrupt? Will my carbon-copy clone work? I’ve never tested it. I only launched it this week. Life is changing too fast. I’m an analog girl in a sci-fi world that I can’t control.

Now, I don’t want to get overly dramatic.  (Though I absolutely am!)

It’s just my computer, not a life. I have redundant data backups. But I’m unsettled just the same. I don’t know yet if I’m going to get it all back. Some of it may be gone. A lot of it may be. Poof! Despite my (justifiable, it seems) paranoia and multiple daily back ups, I may just be screwed.

The data I generate, the digital landscape I work in, is as real as real to me. That it can vanish in a moment reminds me that life, too, can vanish in an instant. I know. This should fill me with a wave of gratitude and appreciation for the people and things I love. And it does. But it also fills me with a feeling of being unmoored, adrift.

Maybe this is a sign from the universe. Maybe it’s just bad luck. Lately, I feel like I’m climbing up a down escalator.

Resilience is such a beautiful word.  Some good thoughts for cultivating resilience are in an article by Dr. Bill Knaus EdD, who says:

“… the majority of life’s calamities are self-inflicted. For example, failures are inevitable. You can fear them or learn from them. By recognizing and combating as many needless stresses as you can discover in yourself, you are likely to experience a rising tide of resilience. You’ll have greater emotional reserves to address unfortunate situations that come your way.”

I’m unsettled — because I’m trying to control what is beyond my control. What I need to focus on is resilience. (Here’s hoping my iMac will join me on this journey.)

Published by

Elaine Olund

I'm a writer, artist and designer who thinks way too much, and tries to see the beauty in the world.

One thought on “Unmoored”

  1. I feel ya. I get terrified when I think I have lost everything. I am always sure that I have ‘broken’ my computer. No matter how many times people say that I cannot. It’s traumatic for me. I do a little Seinfeld “Serenity Now” and start to feel better. But my life is full of FOMO Fear Of Missing Out Even if I have backed it all up. Hope you and your computer are feeling better today.

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